IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays, the number of obese children is increasing at an alarming rate. What are some of the causes of this increase and how can the problem be solved?

#children #rate
There is an argument that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
 becoming obsolete due to
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of comprehensive knowledge on
culture
 and
history
 in
ciber
Correct your spelling
cyber
 space.
Humongous
Correct article usage
A humongous
show examples
 amount of
information
 on
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 topics
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 freely accessible via
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 from home without taking
trouble
Add an article
the trouble
show examples
 to visit a museum and pay an entrance fee to gain similar
information
.
Hence
, it is fair to question the value of
existence
Add an article
the existence
show examples
 of
museums
 in today's context.
On the contrary
,
museums
 provide irreplaceable advantages
such
 as actual living
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 based on specimens and the possibility of
further
 studying them.
Therefore
, I strongly disagree with the idea that the
information
 available on
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 can overturn the value of
museums
 in providing facts on
history
 and
culture
.
First
 of all,
museums
 provide
living
Correct article usage
a living
show examples
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 in displayed items as opposed to
virtual
Correct article usage
a virtual
show examples
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
. As an example, some
museums
 provide
Add an article
a replica
show examples
replica
Fix the agreement mistake
replicas
show examples
 of ancient hair looms and cuisines
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
spectators to try on. So that the individual can go back in time and live in the
history
 and
experience
 the
culture
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
first
-hand. Whereas, any amount of virtual display
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 can not compare to
such
Add an article
the such
a such
show examples
live
Correct article usage
a live
show examples
experience
. Data on
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 can not outrun the benefit of having
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
experience
 in
museums
.
Second
 of all,
museums
 provide solid evidence
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
history
 and
culture
 which are tangible to physical examination and
further
 studying.
Furthermore
, scholars with permission can run tests on specimens and arrive at new
information
. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example , carbon dating on
fissiles
Correct your spelling
fossils
fissile
missiles
 in
museums
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 carried out only years after their discovery.
Such
 studies enabled finding out the data on
geographical
Correct article usage
the geographical
show examples
 location of certain extinct species. So that the new knowledge was acquired only because the
museums
 kept the specimens preserved in their original state as opposed to static and
cross sectional
Add a hyphen
cross-sectional
show examples
information
 available
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
internet
. In summary, despite having
enormous
Add an article
an enormous
show examples
 amount of
information
 in the cloud space,
museums
 are best suited for acquiring facts on
history
 and
culture
.
Moreover
,
museums
 provide actual
experience
 and keep avenues open for
further
 studies in historical and cultural topics outrunning the value of digital
information
 available
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
Therefore
, I strongly disagree that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
 are dispensable due to
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of comprehensive knowledge on similar topics
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
internet
.
Submitted by kosalaabeypala on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: