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Band 5.5

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#educationalists #non-exam #subjects #music #drama #art #craft #secondary-school #curriculum #activities #performance
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It is thought that art-related
lessons
 are required in school for
students
 to enhance their learning
performance
. Personally, even though I truly support that non-exam
subjects
 have a variety ~of~ benefits for
students
, I do not think they are mandatory in school, which might cause more pressure but not a pleasure for
students
. On the one hand, having arts-related
subjects
 helps teenagers have more choices to build up their self-confidence. Formal education might not suit all
students
, some of them would
therefore
 struggle with their study path, and their confidence might be undermined by those failures, and
then
 eventually give up on learning.
However
, if schools provide more diverse
lessons
, those
students
 can have more opportunities to find some
subjects
 they have an interest in, which can motivate them to learn things of interest and cultivate their confidence.
Thus
, providing more non-exam
subjects
 could help them keep learning and
ends
Correct subject-verb agreement
end
show examples
 up improving their learning
performance
.
On the other hand
, making these arts-based
lessons
 a necessary requirement for
students
 would not be a creative relaxation for
students
. Especially for those
students
 who are not interested in arts, these art classes might become a burden
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
because they might feel they do not have enough time to
course
Verb problem
take
show examples
 those academic
subjects
.
In addition
, when these creative activities are an obligation,
students
 could get stressed and lose their enthusiasm for learning the arts. Ultimately, these non-exam
subjects
 increase children’s burden and pressure, causing them
lower
Fix the infinitive
to lower
show examples
performance
 in study. In conclusion, I believe many benefits can come with providing more creative
lessons
 to
students
,
however
, schools should give them more choices to encourage their
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
 in learning but not make these
lessons
 as enforcement, which might result in more issues for study
performance
.
Submitted by vicky62478 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear perspective on the given topic. It presents both sides of the argument and develops them coherently.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in connecting ideas within paragraphs and using cohesive devices.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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