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Band 4.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
There are widely differing views on the issue of whether doing an activity outside is more advantageous for children’s development than playing with technology devices. I totally agree with the notion of
this
 opinion and there are two principal reasons for
this
. One point which I believe to be pivotal is the indisputable fact that doing some sports exercise or campaign makes them more energetic.
This
 is because outdoor movement requires children to exercise a lot
such
 as running, jumping, or building a tent, which is very necessary for children’s physical fitness.
As a result
, physical activities bring them positive energy and help them lessen obesity.
This
 can be seen that my brother used to
have
Verb problem
be
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obesity
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obese
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 because
lied
Verb problem
he lay
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 too much on the sofa eating ice cream and watching movies, but after being taken to the youth organization, for nearly one year join that system and
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 many outdoor exercises, he lost nearly 10 kg, and get taller.
This
 is why I believe that playing
sport
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sports
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 outdoors is helpful for our physical well-being. Yet, perhaps the strongest argument in favour of my optimism is that when children join many outdoor activities, that will
a
Add a missing verb
be a
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great occasion for them to meet more people and make friends with them. Participating in any campaign, club, or youth organization helps them learn new things, and new skills and improve their communication. In many ,cases children have depression, and autism
that is
 a result of staying a long interacting with video games. Countless real-life examples have shown that a boy I
have seen
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saw
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 in the report a few years ago, his parent
occupies
Wrong verb form
were occupied
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 with their work so they left him alone at home and
play
Wrong verb form
played
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 games, for a period of time, he
became
Verb problem
apply
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lost control and awareness, and he nearly forgot who was his parent. For these reasons, I think that they let the child take part in many clubs
,
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apply
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 and
grouping
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groups
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, and having some exercise outdoors not only
help
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helps
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 their physical energy but
also
 their mental well-being. In conclusion, I entirely agree
that given
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with
show examples
 the aforementioned arguments.
Submitted by vihoaithichngu on

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Task Achievement
Provide more specific and accurate examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is logically connected and flows smoothly from one to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of transition words to connect ideas within each paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
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