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Band 5

Some parents think computer games are better for children and they should be allowed to play more of them. whereas some parents argue that they are harmful to children.Do you think advantages outweight disadvantages.

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Children
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 tend to love playing
games
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 since they can make them happy and they can fill their leisure
time
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. Not only for spending the spare
time
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in
Change preposition
on
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 holiday but
game
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 variation helping
children
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 to overcome the feeling of bored.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
parents
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 think that giving
children
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games
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 could lead to addiction feeling. I think it is noteworthy to know whether computer
games
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 are the best choice for
children
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 or
we
Correct word choice
if we
show examples
 can offer better activities for them. In my opinion, the disadvantage is more outweigh compared with the advantages and my justification will be explained in the following paragraph.
Children
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 cannot
filtering
Change the verb form
filter
be filtering
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 what
video
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game
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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suits them. They just need to seek happiness which is related to the dopamine release from the brain. Some televised
game
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 is not designed for
children
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's age range.
Thus
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 there will be a possibility of harmful content affecting their brain memories. Even though there are
few
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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entertainment
Change to a plural noun
entertainments
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 created for
children
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, adult people must take a look at them. If
parents
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 lose control to watch their
children
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, they can put what they see in the memories.
As a result
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,
children
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 can practice what they got in
video
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games
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. We can see
this
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 problem nowadays where bullying is ubiquitous but the bullies did not realize it was the effect of what they have seen in the
games
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. As we can see, unwanted content may appear during the
children
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's playing the
game
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. If
parents
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 want to let
children
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 have fun with various types of
video
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games
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, they need to assure and select
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
game
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 content.
Otherwise
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, the drawbacks which come from the unsuitable
game
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 design can ruin their brain and reduce their motivation to do a highly demanding focus
such
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 as learning, memorizing, and so on.
In addition
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,
parents
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 are suggested to set a
time
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 limit on how
longer
Replace the word
long
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 they could take some pleasure
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 playing computer
games
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. I think it is
also
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 important for
parents
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 to create quality
time
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 with the
children
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instead
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 of letting them get some euforia from
video
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games
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. To conclude, the negative sides of letting
children
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 play more
video
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games
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 might harm the
children
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 through their source of pleasure feeling and the
game
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's graphics.
Nevertheless
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, strict attention is required from the
parents
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 so the
children
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 can choose the best
game
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 for them.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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