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Band 4

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#years #interest #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits
All people live within societies but personal achievement is important to every human. There are several factors that can influence
acquisition
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the acquisition
show examples
 of success. The question is whether other people encourage us to become successful or
motivation
Correct word choice
whether motivation
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 comes
within
Change preposition
from
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 ourselves
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
Firstly
, most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people will assimilate into
society
Correct article usage
the society
show examples
 they are
sourrounded
Correct your spelling
surrounded
 with.
For example
, if
one
 is surrounded
with
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by
show examples
highly
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the highly
a highly
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 competitive group,
one
 is more prone to show
its
Change the word
a
show examples
 competitive side
also
.
Secondly
, it gives
one
 a more objective perspective on how much work
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 invest in their personal achievements. For
this
 reason,
person
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a person
the person
show examples
 can see more clearly where she stands
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and work more in order to accomplish it.
That is
 to say, egalitarian societies can be quite encouraging if
individual
Add an article
the individual
an individual
show examples
 is prone to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competition.
However
, humans are likely to rank themselves within communities.
Thus
 comparing to others and their meanings of success is not very good in terms of overall motivation.
In particular
, it can act discouraging because every individual is different and has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
 own means of
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
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.
Moreover
, there is a saying: “The only person you should try to be better than is the
one
 you were yesterday.” For
this
 reason,
one
 should follow their own merits and tempo. In my opinion, egalitarian societies can have
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 effect on
individiual
Correct your spelling
individual
 achievements. But it appears to me that following personal motivation and
disires
Correct your spelling
desires
desire
 is
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 helpful way of acquiring something valuable.
Therefore
 what is important to
one
, can be totally insignificant
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 somebody else.
Submitted by nick.winsly on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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