In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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All people live within societies but personal achievement is important to every human. There are several factors that can influence
acquisition
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the acquisition
show examples
of success. The question is whether other people encourage us to become successful or
motivation
Correct word choice
whether motivation
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comes
within
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from
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ourselves
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
Firstly
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, most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people will assimilate into
society
Correct article usage
the society
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they are
sourrounded
Correct your spelling
surrounded
with.
For example
Linking Words
, if
one
Use synonyms
is surrounded
with
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by
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highly
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the highly
a highly
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competitive group,
one
Use synonyms
is more prone to show
its
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a
show examples
competitive side
also
Linking Words
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it gives
one
Use synonyms
a more objective perspective on how much work
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
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invest in their personal achievements. For
this
Linking Words
reason,
person
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a person
the person
show examples
can see more clearly where she stands
at
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apply
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and work more in order to accomplish it.
That is
Linking Words
to say, egalitarian societies can be quite encouraging if
individual
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the individual
an individual
show examples
is prone to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competition.
However
Linking Words
, humans are likely to rank themselves within communities.
Thus
Linking Words
comparing to others and their meanings of success is not very good in terms of overall motivation.
In particular
Linking Words
, it can act discouraging because every individual is different and has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
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own means of
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is a saying: “The only person you should try to be better than is the
one
Use synonyms
you were yesterday.” For
this
Linking Words
reason,
one
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should follow their own merits and tempo. In my opinion, egalitarian societies can have
positive
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a positive
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effect on
individiual
Correct your spelling
individual
achievements. But it appears to me that following personal motivation and
disires
Correct your spelling
desires
desire
is
more
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a more
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helpful way of acquiring something valuable.
Therefore
Linking Words
what is important to
one
Use synonyms
, can be totally insignificant
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
somebody else.
Submitted by nick.winsly on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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