IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
it is often argued
that is
 more advantageous to increase the price of
unhealthy
Add an article
the unhealthy
an unhealthy
show examples
 processed product that has much sugar content in the product, and
therefore
 a lot of
people
 has diseases. I completely agree with
this
 opinion and think that sugary
products
 should be made expensive to decrease society to consume less sweetness.
First
 of all, our
body
 has
food
Correct article usage
a food
show examples
comsumption
Correct your spelling
consumption
 limit. In one day, we are just allowed to consume about 2 spoons. Everyone who
consuming
Wrong verb form
consumes
show examples
 plenty
sugar
Change preposition
of sugar
show examples
products
 for years,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
brings bad effects to his
body
such
 as diabetes.
For example
, it makes
people
 get unexplained weight loss. At the
first
Add a comma
,first
show examples
 we feel
confuse
Change the verb form
confused
show examples
what
Change preposition
about what
show examples
 happen
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 until
doctor
Correct article usage
the doctor
show examples
 diagnoses
that we
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
 got diabetes.
In other words
,
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
diabetes
Change preposition
with diabetes
show examples
 insufficient insulin
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
show examples
 the
body
getting
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
glucoses
Correct your spelling
glucose
 from the
blood’s
Change noun form
blood
show examples
 cells to use
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
energy.
This
 is why it is
imporant
Correct your spelling
important
 to encourage
people
 to consume less sugar for our health.
Secondly
, buying food and drink
producst
Correct your spelling
products
product
 that has
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 level of sweetness
frequantly
Correct your spelling
frequently
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 us spend a lot of money that acquire with hard work. Especially as the price getting more expensive, we need to spend much more money just
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 buy
unhealhty
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
 things.
For instance
,
my self
Correct pronoun usage
I
show examples
 always put out my saving for
unhealthy
Add an article
the unhealthy
an unhealthy
show examples
 thing that makes me has
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of saving.
Thus
,
advantage
Add an article
the advantage
an advantage
show examples
 of encourage consume sugary
products
is makes
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 us
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a lot of saving
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end month. To include, I totally agree by make pricey
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sugary
products
 because that
beneficial
Add a missing verb
is beneficial
show examples
 for us to keep our health and money for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better future in health.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: