IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that because some children find some subjects such as mathematics and philosophy difficult so they ought to be optional instead of compulsory. To what extend do you agree or disgree?

#people #children #subjects #mathematics #philosophy #disgree
Kazakhstan
, nowadays, is a
country
that is
 still on the path of development. All spheres including
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 system
try
Change the form of the verb
trying
show examples
 to build the best and
well-considered
Correct quantifier usage
most well-considered
show examples
 system for citizens.
Kazakhstan
 have
such
 benefits as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 capability to learn three languages simultaneously from 1st grade,
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
helps students by providing many grants. But, in spite of that,
Kazakhstan
 has
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
big trouble with
education
 prices and pedagogy
scheme
Fix the agreement mistake
schemes
show examples
. There are 2 main benefits that my
country
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 in
education
.
Initially
,
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to different countries,
Kazakhstan
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
one of the few countries that makes it possible to study three different languages and bring
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to perfection. Not every
country
 can provide an opportunity like
this
.
Secondly
 availability of grants,
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help students with financial hardship to achieve their goals and study. Grants it is extremely important for colleges and universities,
existence
Add an article
the existence
show examples
 of it allows students to have a chance to have a wide selection between a lot of educational institutions. (174)
As
Change preposition
Like
show examples
all
Change preposition
in all
show examples
 spheres in every
country
,
education
 in
Kazakhstan
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 its shortcomings including price troubles along with
teaching
Correct article usage
the teaching
show examples
 scheme. It
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 fact that cheap price corresponds to low school knowledge. Parents struggle to ensure their kids
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
have a high school
education
,
that’s
Correct word choice
and that’s
show examples
 why they can pay large costs to achieve that. Another negative aspect is
teaching
Correct article usage
the teaching
show examples
 system. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Kazakhstan
 schools faced
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue when
pedagogy’s
Unnecessary verb
pedagogy
show examples
 had no desire to teach and no interest in kids. It is one of the most terrible cause
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 in many schools in my nation.
Submitted by rizamaliqyzy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • optional
  • compulsory
  • subjects
  • difficult
  • importance
  • challenges
  • benefits
  • accessible
What to do next:
Look at other essays: