IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some feel that punishment should focus more on rehabilitation instead of long prison terms. Others feel prison terms are important for social stability. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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It is an issue of hot debate whether the sentence given to offenders after committing wrongdoing totally focused on rehabilitation or long-term imprisonment should be necessary for the social stability of society.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both notions as far as I am concerned I am in the favour of former notion. To commence with the initial view
that
Correct word choice
apply
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why
Rephrase
apply
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chastisement should be focused on rehabilitation as it sometimes helps those people who commit the crime under undesirable conditions. To elaborate on
this
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, sometimes people try to fight with thieves for self-defence and use some sharp weapon that may hurt the thief sometimes it becomes a cause of death so everything should be considered before the announcement of a penalty by Judges.
For example
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, a survey conducted by
Rehab
Correct article usage
the Rehab
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 Department in India in 2017 revealed that 6 victims out of 10 were in jail after committing criminal activities advertently.
Consequently
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, the penal that probes the violation exercises should assess all the circumstances before imposing any penalty. Shifting towards the final view of how tough punitive become a good method to reduce violations in the country. To explain
this
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, hard punishment
such
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 as long-term imprisonment to offenders can help to decline criminal actions because it
put
Verb problem
has
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 an effective impact on peers who are in the same group· To cite an example a survey held by the South African government in 2015 showed that the massive decline has observed in criminal actions in South African cities after confirming hard chastisement to the culprit.
As a result
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, genuine wrath assists
to reduce
Change preposition
in reducing
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 violations in cities. Everything taking into consideration,
although
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, the chastisement given to criminals should be focused on recuperating offenders and it
also
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 should be hard if criminals
do
Verb problem
commit
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 brutal crimes inadvertently
yet
Rephrase
apply
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I believe that the penal that probing crime case should assess all the aspects before
posing
Verb problem
imposing
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 a penalty.

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task response
The essay does not fully address the given topic. It lacks a comprehensive and clear discussion of both sides of the issue. Your opinion is stated but not supported adequately.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak. The introduction and conclusion are present, but the development of ideas lacks organization and clarity. Use transitions to connect ideas and improve the flow of the essay.
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