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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart below shows the total number of mintues in billion of telephone calls in the UK divided into three categories

the chart below shows the total number of mintues in billion of telephone calls in the UK divided into three categories
#mintues #billion #telephone #uk #three #categories
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The bar graph gives
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the average minute of
Britain’
Change noun form
Britain’s
show examples
 telephone calls in three kinds
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
: Local , national and international
as well as
Linking Words
mobiles
Use synonyms
 from 1995 to 2002
Overall
Linking Words
 , it is obvious that
while
Linking Words
 the number of times of both national – international and
mobiles
Use synonyms
tend
Change the verb form
tends
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 to increase during the periods , that of local witness a
fluctuate
Replace the word
fluctuating
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 trend Starting at around 38 and 3 billion mins in 1995 , the time consumption of national calls and
mobiles
Use synonyms
 continued to fly remarkably year by year . In the
last
Linking Words
 period , the number of both reached the highest points was over 60 billion minutes of calls from abroad and the number of times for
mobiles
Use synonyms
 was about 45
billions
Change to singular
billion
show examples
Lastly
Linking Words
 , the year 1995 saw the well beginning of telephone calls from
local
Add an article
a local
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resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
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, which stood at 72 billion mins .
This
Linking Words
 ratio jumped in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 four years and got 90
billions
Change to singular
billion
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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was
Change the verb form
were
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 the highest
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
3
Correct article usage
the 3
show examples
types . Unfortunately , the
last
Linking Words
 3 years experienced a significant decline and returned
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 starting point in 2002 .
Submitted by honglethiminh1975 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words mobiles with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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