IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The given graph gives the proportion of Australian who is male or female
in
Change preposition
of
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 unsimilar ages , relating to what people used to practice for physical health in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
 ,
it is clear that
Linking Words
while
Linking Words
 the ratio of women doing
activity
Add an article
an activity
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 from 25 years old tended to
more
Add a missing verb
be more
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 than
this
Linking Words
 of men , residents who
was
Change the verb form
were
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 girls under 25 wasn’t as same as
According to
Linking Words
 the obvious bar chart , the percentage
women
Change preposition
of women
show examples
 in
45
Correct article usage
the 45
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-55
age
Use synonyms
 group was the highest with 53,3
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
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practiced
Change the spelling
practised
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 and
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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approximately 10% than
this
Linking Words
 information of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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. Meanwhile , different
age
Use synonyms
 groups witnessed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better numbers than these in men , exceptionally 15 to 24 ages . And the lowest
percent
Replace the word
percentage
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 happened in the amount of male
resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
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 after 34 and before 45 with only 39.5% .
Lastly
Linking Words
 , unlike those proportions which
was
Change the verb form
were
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 more than 25 years , in the
age
Use synonyms
 group around 15 to 24 ages , 52,8% did physical activity was men and it became the highest in 6
age
Use synonyms
 kinds of male . In
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
,
Add an article
the viewer
a viewer
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viewer
Fix the agreement mistake
viewers
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 can easily see that the number stood at 47.7
percents
Correct your spelling
per cent
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 was the second lowest
in
Change preposition
of
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6
Correct article usage
the 6
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types .
Submitted by honglethiminh1975 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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