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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

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It is common in some countries for
mothers
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 to devote
time
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 to
child
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 care because they have to pay attention to their jobs.
This
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 statement has both advantages and disadvantages
due to
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 the differences between individuals. In
this
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 essay, I will thoroughly examine both the pros and cons. In terms of advantages, there are dual benefits to a mother's employment throughout the infant years.
Firstly
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, start with the money reason; not every family has enough income to support their childcare expenses.
For instance
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, in a poor family
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
mothers
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 have to
work
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 hard for their infant.
As a result
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, despite having to care for their
child
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, both of their parents continue to
work
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 hard.
Secondly
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, some occupations necessitate ongoing
work
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 to ensure the effectiveness of their efforts.
For example
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, pilots need to be more present on flights to make sure that they have the ability to control the plane. On the other side, In terms of disadvantages, jobs prevented them from caring for their kid
while
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 he was an infant.
This
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 is a crucial
time
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 for children since it is the age of learning and they require regular care from their
mothers
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.
Furthermore
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, if the mom spends little
time
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 with them, it will result in the mother and
child
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 not being close.
In particular
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, students who grew up with grandparents tend to be introverts.
Additionally
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, abandoning a
child
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 at
this
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 age may result in malnutrition since the
child
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 will not receive sufficient breast milk. In summary,
although
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 it is beneficial for the physical and mental health of children to spend a great deal of
time
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 caring for them,
mothers
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 in some low-income families
nevertheless
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 need to
work
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 long hours.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion need to be clearer and more developed. Try to provide a stronger thesis statement and summarize your main points in the conclusion.
task response
Ensure that you fully address the prompt by exploring both advantages and disadvantages with specific examples. Also, make sure to address the different aspects of the topic with balanced arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • workforce
  • economic benefits
  • standard of living
  • professional growth
  • career progression
  • social network
  • emotional support
  • role modeling
  • work-life balance
  • childcare costs
  • external childcare
  • additional income
  • emotional development
  • career opportunities
  • part-time roles
  • less demanding positions
  • juggling responsibilities
  • family environment
  • job satisfaction
  • financial security
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