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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.

The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
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The bar chart illustrates how many males and females studied full-time or part-time between 1970 and 1991.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the number
full-time
Change preposition
of full-time
show examples
 male
students
Use synonyms
 declined, the
proportions
Fix the agreement mistake
proportion
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 female
students
Use synonyms
 increased.
In addition
Linking Words
, the fractions for part-time
education
Use synonyms
 rose slightly, for both men and women in tertiary
education
Use synonyms
. In 1970/71, the number of male
students
Use synonyms
 in full-time
education
Use synonyms
 accounted for around 100000,
whereas
Linking Words
 female
students
Use synonyms
 made up just about 700,000. In the following years 1980/81, figures for both
sex
Change to a plural noun
sexes
show examples
 represented similar, approximately 800,000
students
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
 the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of women increased significantly to nearly 1100000,
while
Linking Words
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 fraction constituted around 850.
In contrast
Linking Words
, men who studied in part-time
education
Use synonyms
 were about 100,000
students
Use synonyms
 with women
students
Use synonyms
 around 20,000 in the years 1970/71.
Then
Linking Words
 the figures for female and male
students
Use synonyms
 were very similar, slightly
increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 in 1980/81 to about 180,000
students
Use synonyms
 and in 1990/91 to approximately 200,000 learners.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, education with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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