IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities .others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
Public
health
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 become a major concern for countries . Some argue that rising the number of
sports
 amenities in nations can enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
community
health
 .
However
 , some people think that rather than increasing the
sports
 facilities , there are other measures which can take for improving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 .
This
 essay will discuss both
opinion
Change to a plural noun
opinions
show examples
 and provide a suitable conclusion . On the one hand , enlarging the number of
sports
 faculties can definitely improve the
health
 of citizens . As we know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, most people today are stressed and obese because of lifestyle and difficulties in their jobs .
Therefore
 , if government upgrade the number of gym and training areas can
result
Add the preposition
inresult
fromresult
show examples
 fitness in individuals .
For example
 , nations like the UK had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
already installed new gyms and football grounds for maintaining the well-being of citizens.
On the other hand
 , it is obvious that rising the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
sports
 facilities is not only the best solution for enhancing public
health
 ; there are other ways too . Educating the importance
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
health
 in individual life may
also
 bring some massive changes in physical well-being . Introducing
sports
 services will not change
mentality
Add an article
the mentality
show examples
 about
health
 in society , as we can see that gym services which
provided
Add a missing verb
are provided
show examples
 by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 nowadays are completely destroyed by irresponsible people .
Therefore
 , having a basic education about fitness can help them to understand
Add an article
the
show examples
necessity of those faculties ,
as a
consequence
Add a comma
,consequence
show examples
 they will
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
priorities
Fix the agreement mistake
priority
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their physical
health
 .
To conclude
 , introducing
sports
 facilities can be a good option for
boost
Wrong verb form
boosting
show examples
 fitness
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 in society .
However
 , I think that having
a fundamental information
Remove the article
fundamental information
a piece of fundamental information
show examples
 about
health
 is the most important thing to consider .
Submitted by varshajose345 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: