IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports star) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #e #g #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #star #money #job
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
We see lots of celebrities on mass media every day. No matter where we go, we see how that one celebrity is having a luxurious life, being beautiful and successful. They get paid enormously higher than the average do. There are debates if they deserve that amount of paycheck. The problem is not that they getting paid a lot, but the other crucial jobs for society not getting paid for what they work for. In my opinion, teachers, medical and social workers, and technical specialists should get paid more. And for entertainers, I agree that they don't deserve that amount of wealth.
For example
Linking Words
, when the whole world was suffering from the pandemic of COVID-19, we all know how hard medical workers worked for us. They tried their best to keep us safe from
this
Linking Words
 virus. Meanwhile, I remember seeing the news of David Beckham, "quarantining" in his expensive house with a lake. The house seemed like none of 'normal' people could afford. People say that social classes are demolished, yet we live in
this
Linking Words
 hierarchy we had created. Celebrities are the new aristocrats. Now, even children of the superstars inherit the revenue and popularity of their parents
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and take the opportunities a lot easier compared to the others.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I am not denying the work they do, but what I want to say is the amount of affluence they receive is not realistic and sustainable. Wealth should be divided equally.
Therefore
Linking Words
, We should value other types of jobs
such
Linking Words
 as social and medical workers, teachers, and technical specialists. They are the ones who work for the fundamental system of our society,
Correct word choice
but still
show examples
still
Add a comma
,still
show examples
 they are not earning enough compared to celebrities.
Submitted by lylajeehyunkim on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: