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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar chart compares the
porprotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of female and male academic members across faculties in
university
Correct article usage
the university
show examples
 and
divided
Add a missing verb
is divided
show examples
 into 7 majors: arts, business, education, engineering, law, medicine, and science in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly observed that
engineeing
Correct your spelling
engineering
 accounted for the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 other subjects on male
member
Use synonyms
 even though it
preforms
Correct your spelling
performs
show examples
 poorly in female.
While
Linking Words
 the
eucation
Correct your spelling
education
 was the large
retio
Correct your spelling
ratio
retro
 for female and was the lowest proportion for male. Starting with the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
female
Add an article
the female
show examples
Use synonyms
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
,
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
72% accounted for the vast majority in education
major
Fix the agreement mistake
majors
show examples
 and followed by arts and medicine which was 58% and 50%, respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of female
Use synonyms
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 is
engineering
Change preposition
in engineering
show examples
 at solely 18%. With regard to,
male
Add an article
a male
the male
show examples
Use synonyms
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 in various majors,
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
85% was the largest
percentage
Use synonyms
 which was in engineering,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
followed by business and science at 62%, revealing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same performance.
However
Linking Words
, the education major occupied
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25%
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 male
Use synonyms
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 which was the less majority
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 other sectors.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, member with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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