IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
's interest in the
relationship
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 between
equality
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 and personal
goals
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 has been rising. Some
people
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 have an opinion that
wider
Correct article usage
a wider
show examples
 society can get more if
people
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 have equal status,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that high achievement can be achieved if
people
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 have
Correct article usage
the rights
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to either succeed or to fail depending on their individual benefits. I agree with the second opinion that
equality
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 has no
relationship
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for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 personal attainment, which will be explained in the following essay.
To begin
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 with, some
people
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 believe that bringing fairness to
wider
Correct article usage
a wider
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 society will positively impact both
people
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 and the
country
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's social welfare. Having
equality
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 among
people
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 means that every person has the same salary, and it means they have to pay the same amount of taxes to the
country
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.
Therefore
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, if the
people
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 are equal in paying taxes, the government might be more effective in controlling the citizens
,
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apply
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 and putting the taxes to build better infrastructure equally for the
people
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.
As a result
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, each individual may achieve a higher quality of life, because the
country
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 provides better facilities for them.
On the other hand
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, most
people
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 and I believe that
equality
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 has no
relationship
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for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 personal
goals
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. First of all, every individual has different purposes in their life. Some
people
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 have a goal to gain a lot of money,
while
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 others have simple
goals
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 like building a great family. If
equality
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 is going to be applied to every human walk of life, there will be
a
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apply
show examples
chaos in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, because every person will demand their rights to achieve their own
goals
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. Second of all, individuals have different necessities to live. There are
people
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 who have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
little needs, but some have many.
For example
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, the necessities of
people
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 in rural
areas
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 are different
with
Change preposition
from
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 the needs of
people
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 in urban
areas
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.
People
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 who work in urban
areas
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are deserve
Change the verb form
deserve
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 to get higher wages than
in
Correct pronoun usage
those in
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 rural
areas
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 because their expenses are higher.
Thus
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, bringing
equality
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 to every human endeavour could not work. In conclusion, many
people
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 said that
equality
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 can positively impact a
country
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's social welfare,
while
Linking Words
 most
people
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 and I believe that there is no
relationship
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 between
equality
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 and success
,
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apply
show examples
 because every
people
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 have different purposes and necessities.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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