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Band 4.5

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#countries #women #workforce #children
In these modern eras, more and more
women
 have been involved in employment opportunities, and they have contributed significant amounts of profits to
society
while
 their
children
 were in their young ages. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss the pros and cons of
this
 culture and how it impacts
society
.
To begin
 with, there are more
women
 who
participated
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
 in the workforce
while
 their
children
 are young. The culture of having more
women
 at the working class level have given female the opportunities to empower their life.
Consequently
,
women
 have more power and dominance in
society
as well as
 in the family. In the olden
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
, men
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 the only
breadwinner
Fix the agreement mistake
breadwinners
show examples
 for the family, but in
this
 ,generations we can see that now
women
 have the right to work and are
also
 able to support their families. These become more beneficial for the family and
women
's rights.
On the other hand
, people do say that the downside of
women
 participating in the workforce does impact their child's health and well-being.
While
Correct word choice
Children
show examples
children
 in the young stage of their life do not have opportunities and chances to build attachment and connection with their family ,especially their mother figure, which will make the child
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 attachment issues. For
instants
Replace the word
instance
show examples
, a child who lacks security could impact their development and could not bounce back when adversity happens in their life.
This
 will contribute to
further
 social and family issues.
To sum up
, having a mother in the workforce will bring negative and positive to the family and
society
, but if there is a balance of support in place.
This
 will be beneficial to the whole of
society
.
While
children
 and mother can earn their trust and thrive along their way within
society
.
Submitted by SugerMei on

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coherence cohesion
The essay contains some relevant ideas but lacks clarity and coherence. The main points should be clearly supported with relevant examples.
task response
The essay attempts to address the task but does not provide a clear and comprehensive response. The ideas need to be more focused and better developed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • workforce
  • economic benefits
  • standard of living
  • professional growth
  • career progression
  • social network
  • emotional support
  • role modeling
  • work-life balance
  • childcare costs
  • external childcare
  • additional income
  • emotional development
  • career opportunities
  • part-time roles
  • less demanding positions
  • juggling responsibilities
  • family environment
  • job satisfaction
  • financial security
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