IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
Currently,
people
 are required to meet the same
age
 for
retirement
,
while
 many
people
 doubted
this
 can be unfair for those
people
 who
work
 in different
industries
. I do agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that is
 unfair for
people
 who are employed in certain
industries
 which require high physical demands . Currently,
governments
 in many countries,
such
 as
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Taiwan and in Canada, require their employees to apply for
retirement
 until they achieve
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
age
, which is usually in
people’s
Change noun form
people
show examples
 65
years
 old.
Governments
 think it is fair to everyone working
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar length of
years
 to receive pensions after
retirement
 because they have paid almost the same
years
 of tax to
governments
 and dedicated the same
years
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their productivity in society.
Thus
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retired elders can equally receive
certain
Change the article
a certain
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of pensions or benefits from their
governments
.
However
, I do believe that it is
more fair
Replace the words
fairer
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
when the
retirement
age
 is set by different jobs. To
further
 elaborate, some jobs require high physical demands,
such
 as
constructor
Fix the agreement mistake
constructors
show examples
, caregivers, and
house keepers
Correct your spelling
housekeepers
show examples
. They need to be set
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a younger
age
,
such
 as 55
years
 old to
retirement
. For those workers, it is hard for them to
work
 until 65
years
 old as same as the white collar
people
 working in the office. For
blue collar
Add a hyphen
blue-collar
show examples
 workers, their productivity and quality could decline following
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their ages, and they may easily have physical injuries if they
work
 in their
industries
 before their
retirement
 ages.
Thus
,
due to
 these reasons, they can be easily terminated by employers before their
retirement
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. It can be unfair and insecure for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 lives.
Thus
, even though many
governments
 set the same
age
 for
people
 to apply for
retirement
 and receive benefits and pensions
while
 I believe it is unfair, especially for those who
work
 in labour
industries
 with high physical requirements.
Submitted by jackson05234 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: