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Band 4.5

More people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #one’s #time #activities #work
Many argue that spending
time
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 family
activities
 is more vital
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the
amound
Correct your spelling
amount
 of
time
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 to
work
.
While
 others claim that
time
 should
be spend
Change the verb form
be spent
be spending
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 working.
Although
 there are a lot of divergent
contradict
Wrong verb form
contradicting
show examples
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 in
this
 problem,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am of the opinion that it is
nescessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to take family
activities
 into consideration. On the one hand, working hard will help you succeed in your
life
. Spending
time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
 your finances
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that you can
giving
Change the form of the verb
give
show examples
 the best for your
life
 and your family.
In addition
, devoting
time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 your job will give you a lot of chances to develop yourself and have more relationships at
work
.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
 your
work
 is better, You do not have much
time
 for yourself and your relationships. Your
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 may be declined and you can not continue working.
Hence
, spending
time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working is only good when you do enough. On the one hand, devoting
time
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 family will improve the relationship
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 members.
Instead
 of doing
work
 all
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
show examples
, we can spend some
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
to hang
Change the verb form
hanging
show examples
 out with
your
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 parents or siblings. Playing sports or games with them when you have free
time
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 you relieve your stress after working days.
Moreover
, family
activities
also
 make you healthier and stay mentally healthy.
For example
, cooking some meals together is better than
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 or doing something alone. It can be seen that domestic violence often
occur
Change the verb form
occurs
show examples
 in families that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lack cohesion among members.
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, taking
time
 to understand and help each other will make your family’s
life
 better. Weighing up both sides of the argument,
time
 should
be spend
Change the verb form
be spent
be spending
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 family
activities
 to increase happiness and satisfaction with
life
.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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