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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The bar chart gives information about
conversion
Correct article usage
the conversion
show examples
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 born inside and outside Australia who live in 3 locations (
cities
, towns and rural areas), in terms of percentage in two years 1995 and 2010.
overall
, in the first period was
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 fluctuation percentage in
2
Correct article usage
the 2
show examples
category
Change to a plural noun
categories
show examples
. Contrary
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
 we have a
similarly
Change the adverb
similar
show examples
 figure to the majority
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 to
cities
. In 1995,
they
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in Australia most of them live in
cities
 about 50% and
that is
 general.
Hence
, the rural and towns coming next were
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
approximately 33% and 20% respectively.
Otherwise
 who
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 born in
another places
Replace the adjective
another place
other places
show examples
 the smallest part of the chart is the towns meanwhile increased the total for rural and
cities
 is about one-tenth.
Moreover
, in rural
areas
Add a comma
,areas
show examples
 the difference
reach
Change the verb form
reaches
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
7% upward. If we look at 2010, the rate has a significant change and has more focus on
cities
, the rate become closer
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 two species inside and outside accounted about 63% and 80%.And decline to about 4% in each of them.
Finally
, the rural hitting the lowest point well under 5% for those
were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
show examples
 born outside Australia.
Submitted by jjooojjooo2020 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words cities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
▼

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Demographic
  • Trends
  • Urban areas
  • Rural areas
  • Town
  • Native-born
  • Foreign-born
  • Migration patterns
  • Economic factors
  • Government policies
  • Increase
  • Decrease
  • Steady
  • Peak
  • Trough
  • Time frame
  • Significant changes
  • Distribution
  • Notable
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