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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram below give information about manufacture of frozen fish pies. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relevant.

The diagram below give information about manufacture of frozen fish pies. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relevant.
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The figures illustrate what a fish pie contains and what the manufacturing
process
Use synonyms
 consists
.
Change preposition
of.
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Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the final product is put in a microwaveable container which is very useful, and the main ingredients are peas, fish, sauce and potato. The
process
Use synonyms
 is linear and complicated because of the high number of stages and
also
Linking Words
, involves some employers. First of all,
potatoes
Use synonyms
 are cleaned, peeled and sliced.
Then
Linking Words
potatoes
Use synonyms
 are ready to be boiled and later chilled so they can be stored in another line just under
this
Linking Words
 one. In
this
Linking Words
fist
Correct your spelling
first
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 passage,
potatoes
Use synonyms
 pass through six phases during a period that could be required up to a month and it is only the beginning. Fresh
salmon
Use synonyms
 is delivered at the facility and once arrived at the production line, the
process
Use synonyms
 will not be longer than 12 hours, maybe to save the
salmon
Use synonyms
 freshness. Lemon Juice and salt are added
on
Change preposition
to
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salmon
Use synonyms
 which
pass
Correct subject-verb agreement
passes
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 through
steam
Correct article usage
the steam
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 oven, at that
point
Add a comma
,point
show examples
 two workers remove skin and bones which are put in
a
Remove the article
apply
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waste disposal, during
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
 an Inspect is present. Peas, sauces and
potatoes
Use synonyms
 that were prepared before are added
at
Change preposition
to
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 the
salmon
Use synonyms
 and
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
,finally
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 the product is ready to be wrapped. In the
last
Linking Words
phase
Add a comma
,phase
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 the item is
freezed
Correct your spelling
frozen
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 and ready to be dispatched
in
Change preposition
to
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 various supermarkets.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, potatoes, salmon with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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