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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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The correlation between equity and individual success has become much stronger in recent years. It is believed
some
Change preposition
by some
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 that
this
Linking Words
 success can realize in egalitarian communities more than in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. Others assert that
this
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achievement
Use synonyms
 depends on
freedom
Use synonyms
 in terms of their individual values. Egalitarian societies may be advantageous
due to
Linking Words
 their fair regulations for their
people
Use synonyms
. Looking at
this
Linking Words
 case from the other side, individuals’
freedom
Use synonyms
 has a key role in order to
obtaining
Change the verb
obtain
show examples
 achievements. On the one hand, egalitarian communities present
fair
Correct article usage
a fair
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ambiance
Change the spelling
ambience
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 to
people
Use synonyms
 in order to realize their aims.
United
Correct article usage
The United
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 States of America is counted as a good example of
this
Linking Words
 belief.
Although
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,
this
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 country had some problems
in
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with
show examples
equality
Correct article usage
the equality
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 of individuals
at
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in
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 its history, now, they have been getting their powers and appealing features through their egalitarian laws and fair approaches to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human rights. With these benefits, their
people
Use synonyms
 would become more successful in their lives.
Therefore
Linking Words
, egalitarian countries may be one step too far
than
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from
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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others in
this
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 case.
On the other hand
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, personal
achievements’
Change noun form
achievements
show examples
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
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 may be related to
freedom
Use synonyms
 of possible failures in
this
Linking Words
 process.
Pressure
Add an article
The pressure
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
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 individual values and being successful can be harmful
in
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on
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 the road
of
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to
show examples
achievement
Use synonyms
. To illustrate that,
Germany
Correct your spelling
German
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 and
Japan
Replace the word
Japanese
show examples
 governments did some revolutionary actions in terms of
this
Linking Words
 case and their societies have become prosperous. Looking
these
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at these
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 results the individual
achievement
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 side,
although
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 their
people
Use synonyms
 had suffered by world wars, now, they have been confident to achieve new goals.
Thus
Linking Words
,
freedom
Use synonyms
 in making failure and personal values
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 taken a considerable place in
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
achievement
Use synonyms
 process. In conclusion, causes and examples can be multiplied with
this
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 discussion.
Event
Correct your spelling
Even
show examples
 though,
freedom
Use synonyms
 has positive impacts
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success, in my opinion, equality has more importance than its features because
in
Add the comma(s)
,in
show examples
 a fair community, many
people
Use synonyms
 can achieve their goals much easier.

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Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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