IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
The issue of obesity in western
children
 has turned into a significant topic in
this
 century. In
this
 way, most of the young people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society are suffering from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chubbiness and many
types
 of diseases that are related to their lifestyles and non-activity. The following essay will explore two major causes of
this
 significant issue and three effects derived directly from it. Perhaps, the main cause of being overweight in
children
 is related to non-activity in
this
 century.
In addition
, there is a growing tendency among young people to use computer
games
 and online
games
 in the context of virtual space. To put it simply, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 are accessing the Internet and they are spending much more time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cyberspace for online
games
 with other peers without any
types
 of physical activities.
Furthermore
,
according to
 a prevailing view, the World Wide Web and online
games
 have a significant role in younger communities. More importantly,
according to
 the latest figures released by WHO, the rate of eating fast
food
 among teenagers is sharply increasing which leads to a large number of
health
 problems. Turning to the possible effects, no one can ever deny the negative influence/impact of excessive consumption of fast
food
 among the
youths
Fix the agreement mistake
youth
show examples
.
Accordingly
, consuming convenience
food
 will in turn result in a large number of
health
 issues,
for instance
, obesity, blood pressure and so on and so forth.
In addition
, that type of
health
 problem can entail mental disorders which are the impacts of inactivity and antisocial
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Furthermore
, spending more time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 virtual space and online
games
 causes many
types
 of issues
such
 as loneliness and depression. In conclusion, the causes of
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 in
children
 generally relate to the inactivity and excessive consumption of fast
food
,
while
 the effects are seen in many
types
 of
health
 issues
such
 as obesity in the
children
's community.
Submitted by kambiz.pirzad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: