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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

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The issue of obesity in western
children
Use synonyms
 has turned into a significant topic in
this
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 century. In
this
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 way, most of the young people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society are suffering from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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chubbiness and many
types
Use synonyms
 of diseases that are related to their lifestyles and non-activity. The following essay will explore two major causes of
this
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 significant issue and three effects derived directly from it. Perhaps, the main cause of being overweight in
children
Use synonyms
 is related to non-activity in
this
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 century.
In addition
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, there is a growing tendency among young people to use computer
games
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 and online
games
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 in the context of virtual space. To put it simply, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 are accessing the Internet and they are spending much more time
on
Change preposition
in
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 cyberspace for online
games
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 with other peers without any
types
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 of physical activities.
Furthermore
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,
according to
Linking Words
 a prevailing view, the World Wide Web and online
games
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 have a significant role in younger communities. More importantly,
according to
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 the latest figures released by WHO, the rate of eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 among teenagers is sharply increasing which leads to a large number of
health
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 problems. Turning to the possible effects, no one can ever deny the negative influence/impact of excessive consumption of fast
food
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 among the
youths
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youth
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.
Accordingly
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, consuming convenience
food
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 will in turn result in a large number of
health
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 issues,
for instance
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, obesity, blood pressure and so on and so forth.
In addition
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, that type of
health
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 problem can entail mental disorders which are the impacts of inactivity and antisocial
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, spending more time
on
Change preposition
in
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 virtual space and online
games
Use synonyms
 causes many
types
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 of issues
such
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 as loneliness and depression. In conclusion, the causes of
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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 in
children
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 generally relate to the inactivity and excessive consumption of fast
food
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,
while
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 the effects are seen in many
types
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 of
health
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 issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity in the
children
Use synonyms
's community.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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