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Band 5.5

Some people think that museum should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museum is to educate. Discuss both views and give you own opinion.

#people #museum #places #purpose
It is undeniable that
museums
 have become a controversial talk of
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
 era. Some individuals argue that to attract
people
 to visit
museums
 is by
adding
Wrong verb form
add
show examples
 several facilities to be more enjoyable.
However
, some
people
 reject those notions, they believe that the main purpose of
museums
 is educating citizens. I assume that both views can be combined as a unity, which will be elaborated it in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 paragraph. On the one hand, beginning with
former
Correct article usage
the former
show examples
 sentence, the prominent point to support it is
museums
 have to add a
number
 of amenities in order to create convenience when
people
 visit a
museum
. Because nowadays a large
number
 of individuals assume that a
museum
 is an unattractive
places
Change the noun form
place
show examples
.
Additionally
, a survey
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
conducted by Roman School university reported that the
number
 of
visitors
 to
museums
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined since a decade ago, and many
people
 said that
museums
 are
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
unsuitable places to spend time.
On the other hand
, citizens argue that by visiting
museums
 children may learn a lot of lessons, particularly about history.
Moreover
, indeed
museums
 are designed to collect
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
Correct quantifier usage
pieces of equipment
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equipment
Change to a plural noun
equipments
show examples
 from past
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 which may assist students to learn
regarding
Change preposition
about
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 history with relic collections which are remained. In my opinion, the government should take a step to boost the total of
visitors
 to
amuseums
Correct your spelling
museums
. Adding several facilities and or coffee are possible solutions, which can lead
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
number
 of
visitors
then
 make
people
 enjoy when they learn
regarding
Change preposition
about
show examples
 history in a
museum
. In conclusion, creating an enjoyable place in a
museum
 to make
people
 enjoy when learning is pivotal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it can increase the
number
 of
visitors
 and create
visitor's
Change noun form
visitor
show examples
 convenience.
Submitted by iamlearner9697 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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