IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that outdoor activities benefit children's development rather than computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #activities #benefit #children #development #computer #games
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Children
Use synonyms
 are the bright future of every nation. One group of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people claim that outside
games
Use synonyms
 could be useful for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 development
instead
Linking Words
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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online
games
Use synonyms
. I fully agree with the given notion and I will elaborate my ideas with suitable examples and
conclusion
Correct article usage
a conclusion
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, outside activities play an important role in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
's life because if kids will prefer to play outside
then
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 they can develop their interpersonal and mental skills
due to
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this
Linking Words
 fact,
children
Use synonyms
 will learn how to behave in groups
while
Linking Words
 doing any work.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, outside tasks can be helpful for the kids to maintain their body functions properly
as
Change preposition
apply
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playing outside
games
Use synonyms
,
children
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 can do a lot of exercises and they can control their obesity and weight issues as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 it helps to become
children
Use synonyms
's physically strong.
By contrast
Linking Words
, computer
games
Use synonyms
 could increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
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obesity and other health issues because
children
Use synonyms
 will sit
on
Change preposition
in
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 one location for long hours.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can become
extrovert
Fix the agreement mistake
extroverts
show examples
 person
while
Linking Words
 playing outside, they can make more and more friends owing to
this
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, they can enhance their friendship skills.
In addition
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 to it, if
children
Use synonyms
 will play outside, they will stick to healthy
games
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 basketball, football and hockey
then
Linking Words
 they will be excited to participate in
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of
games
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 and they can win
the
Correct article usage
apply
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prizes from national or international tournaments.
Also
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, infants can get
the
Correct article usage
apply
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vitamin D from
sun
Add an article
the sun
show examples
 when they play outside because vitamin D is very essential for
children
Use synonyms
's health. In conclusion, It seems to me that
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 benefits of playground activities are more important than computer
games
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 should involve in outside
games
Use synonyms
 so they can develop their physical and mental health.
Submitted by sekhogghk on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • benefit
  • development
  • physical
  • promote
  • foster
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • abilities
  • well-being
  • hinder
  • isolation
  • interpersonal skills
  • sedentary
  • exposure
  • negatively affect
  • academic performance
What to do next:
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