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Band 4.5

the pie chart below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in new zealand in 2003 and 2013 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.

the pie chart below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in new zealand in 2003 and 2013 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevent.
#show #sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons #relevent
the purchasing through internet from
retail
Add an article
the retail
show examples
 sector in new zealand in 2003 and 2013 is depicted by the pie chart it is vividly seen from the data that
sales
 of films/music
improvewd
Correct your spelling
improved
 significantly in
year
Change the article
the year
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 2013 by a total of 33%. it was on
third
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the third
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 number
in
Change preposition
on
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spending
Correct article usage
the spending
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 list in 2003 with a proportion of 21%. expenditure on clothes in online shopping declined drastically with a margin of 8%, it was 24% in 2003 and it was 16% in 2013. marching ahead, the online sale of books in 2003
waas
Correct your spelling
was
 19%
however
 in 2013 the sale increased by 22%
in
Change preposition
apply
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2013 moving
towars
Correct your spelling
towards
toward
 the rest of the information.
sales
 of
trevel
Correct your spelling
travel
 through online mode was 36% in the year 2003. it was the largest sector based
upon
Change preposition
on
show examples
 expenditure in 2003. in 2013 it reduced by numbers and secured
third
Change the article
the third
show examples
 position in
list
Add an article
the list
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 of
purchasing
Replace the word
purchases
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 via online mode. it was 29% in 2013. it dropped by a total of 7 as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
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 to its 2003 data where it was 36%
overall
, it can be seen that travel was
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 first place in 2003 in online
sales
however
 film/music was on top in online
sales
 in 2013.
Submitted by vikas.rundla30 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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