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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The charts below show the percentages of the water used in different sectors in Sydney, Australia in 1997 and 2007.

The charts below show the percentages of the water used in different sectors in Sydney, Australia in 1997 and 2007.
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The pie charts illustrate the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 utilized for various purposes, namely
food
Use synonyms
, service, building, household, and manufacturing, in Sydney, Australia, in 1997 and 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the majority of
water
Use synonyms
 is used for the
food
Use synonyms
industry
Use synonyms
 in two periods,
while
Linking Words
 the amount of
water
Use synonyms
 required for the building
industry
Use synonyms
 accounted for the least compared with others. It is undeniable that, in 1997, the amount of
water
Use synonyms
 needed for the
food
Use synonyms
industry
Use synonyms
 accounted for 48%, which was the largest proportion compared to others. During the same time frame,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
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water
Use synonyms
 consumption in manufacturing tripled that in the building
industry
Use synonyms
, there were 13% and 19% of the
water
Use synonyms
 required for service and household use, respectively. In the next ten years, the percentage of
water
Use synonyms
 used in the
food
Use synonyms
industry
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 was not challenged, despite a slight drop of 7%. In the same year, households consumed 21% of
water
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, which was roughly doubled the figure in manufacturing. In terms of the remaining fields,
whereas
Linking Words
 the service
industry
Use synonyms
 is composed of one-fourth of
water
Use synonyms
 use, there was only 2% of the
water
Use synonyms
 needed for the building
industry
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, food, industry with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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