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Band 4

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #aim #university #education #graduates #jobs #individuals #society
Nowadays,
education
 plays
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important
role
 in our
life
. Some people argue that the goal of attending
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 is to have a higher chance
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 getting
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
.
While some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 groups think that there are plenty
positive
Change preposition
of positive
show examples
 poses in getting
university
Correct article usage
a university
show examples
education
 for both individuals and
society
. I side
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 those who feel that there are myriad benefits in gaining higher
education
 for both
society
 and individuals.
To begin
 with, higher
education
 invests many benefits
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our
life
.
Firstly
, when people attend
university
, they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 plenty
knowledge
Change preposition
of knowledge
show examples
 as their investment to face another cycle of
life
.
Moreover
, after graduation, with the knowledge and title that they have, they can
apply
Add the preposition
apply for
show examples
 a better
job
 and
also
highly-paid
Correct article usage
a highly-paid
show examples
job
.
Secondly
, the company wants to have the best employee candidate
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
prefer
Add the particle
prefer to
show examples
 choose
Correct article usage
a bachelors
show examples
bachelors
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
 or higher
to
Change preposition
than
show examples
 senior high school graduates.
On the other hand
, those advantages are not only about getting
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
, but it is more than that.
Furthermore
,
university
education
is
Verb problem
plays
show examples
 a key
role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 upgrading
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and
also
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
society
. To illustrate, when they gain their
university
 degree, it will help them to build their critical thinking and it beneficial for their individual performance.
Moreover
, higher
education
also
gives
Verb problem
apply
show examples
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the improvement of
society
.
For example
, young people can use their knowledge to make an improvement in government like
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advice
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 rules or
policy
Fix the agreement mistake
policies
show examples
. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
university
Correct article usage
a university
show examples
 degree plays an important
role
 in
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 giving
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
feedback
as a result
 of what they gain in college.
To sum up
,
education
 plays
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
all
show examples
 whole aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our
life
 and it is not only for getting
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
 but
also
 for improvement in
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 and
society
.
Therefore
, I remain firmly convinced that higher
education
 experience
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 us plenty of advantages that can not
be replace
Change the verb form
be replaced
show examples
 by anything.
Submitted by mdelvega90 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should be more clearly presented. Ensure that each paragraph is logically structured and related to the main topic.
task achievement
The response addresses the task but lacks full development. Try to provide a more comprehensive and coherent discussion of the topic, including relevant examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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