IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many adults nowadays prefer spending their free time playing computer games. Why do they do this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#adults #time #computer #games #development
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It is true that today most
adults
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 spend their leisure
time
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 playing
computer
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games
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. The reason why they tend to prefer playing
games
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 to other activities is
due to
Linking Words
 the availability of various
games
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, and
this
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 development is decidedly negative. The major reason why more and more
adults
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 are opting
for playing
Change preposition
to play
show examples
computer
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games
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 is because of their accessibility.
In other words
Linking Words
, in the past, most
computer
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games
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 did not use to be as interactive and engaging as today.
Apart from
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this
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, the gaming industry attracts millions of gamers no matter what age by bettering some features of
games
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, which
as a result
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 can arouse even
Correct article usage
a person'
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person'
Change noun form
person's
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interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
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.
For instance
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,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 game, counter strike is the most popular one regardless of age, and most children have been playing
this
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 game to relieve stress and compete with their friends. After a
while
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, even though they become older, they may try to play
this
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 game in their spare
time
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 to recall childhood memories.
However
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,
this
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 tendency among
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 may bring drawbacks to them. In adulthood, most people seek to balance their work and life matters,
such
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 as covering family and personal needs
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and bringing up their children.
However
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, if
adults
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 find
time
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 to sit in front of their
computer
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 screens to play
games
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, they may waste their
time
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 and take important tasks for granted.
Moreover
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, they may lose track of their
time
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 playing
computer
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games
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 and become addicted to them which can result in not being able to manage family and work endeavours and worsening health conditions.
For instance
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, my father has been a fan of playing
computer
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games
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 since my childhood, and currently, he squanders most of his
time
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 playing popular
computer
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games
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,
such
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 as Atomic Heart, and Until
dawn
Capitalize word
Dawn
show examples
, which he could have spent on paying more attention to family and work issues.
To conclude
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, I firmly believe that it is a pity that many
adults
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 are engaged in playing
computer
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games
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 in their free
time
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 because an adult, in my opinion, should be a role model for his child by showing a productive daily life rather than a
onesedentary
Correct your spelling
one sedentary
on sedentary
.
Submitted by bkhojiakbar on

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task response
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly reflect the key points of the essay and provide a strong and concise thesis statement. Additionally, ensure that the main points are adequately supported in the body paragraphs with relevant examples and explanations.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is fairly good, but there is room for improvement in the coherence and cohesion of the essay. Ensure that there is a clear progression of ideas within and between paragraphs, with appropriate use of cohesive devices such as transition words and pronouns.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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