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Band 5

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country's police force or military force, such as the army, while others think milit women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
women
Use synonyms
 should play an equal role as
men
Use synonyms
 in a country's police
force
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 or military
force
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,
such
Linking Words
 as the army,
while
Linking Words
 some
people
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argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that they think
women
Use synonyms
 are not suitable for these kinds of jobs . on the one hand ,there are some benefits of
women
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should play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 an equal role as
men
Use synonyms
 in a country's police
force
Use synonyms
 or military
force
Use synonyms
.
firstly
Linking Words
,
women
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 have better analysing
skills
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 and problem-solving
skills
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 ,
for example
Linking Words
, if
people
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 argue in the military group ,
women
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 know how to deal with these situations,and they can communicate with each other better than
men
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.
Furthermore
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,
women
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 are capable of performing the same duties as
men
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,and gender should not be a factor when it comes to employment.
on the other hand
Linking Words
 , others think
women
Use synonyms
 are not suitable for these kinds of jobs, because they think
women
Use synonyms
 lack power when they face some dangerous missions , and
women
Use synonyms
 are easier to injure than
men
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when they take a mission and
happened
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an accident,
women
Use synonyms
 can not give them help.
however
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 ,in my opinion,
women
Use synonyms
 should have equal opportunities in the police and military forces.and gender can not as a standard to limit
people
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.
moreover
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 , I think the best way is for
women
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 and
men
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 to cooperate with each other ,and the
men
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 need to develop their physical fitness,
while
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 the
women
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 to need promote their communication
skills
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 and problem-solving
skills
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 ,
then
Linking Words
 in the army , which can improve the relevant development. in conclusion, I think
women
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 and
men
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 have the same opportunities when they
employ
Wrong verb form
are employed
show examples
 and work together can increase efficiency.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay by organizing your ideas systematically. Ensure that your introduction presents the main topic and your conclusion summarises your main points effectively.
task achievement
Ensure that you fully address all aspects of the essay question in a clear and comprehensive manner. Provide relevant specific examples to support your ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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