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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #numbers #men #women #courses #adult #education #centre #year #information #ages #course #participants #report #university #lecturer #summarise #features #comparisons
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The bar chart compares and contrasts the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who joined
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different
modules
Use synonyms
 in
a educational institutions
Correct the article-noun agreement
educational institutions
an educational institution
show examples
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the pie chart illustrates the proportion of five different aged grouped
people
Use synonyms
 in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
each
Use synonyms
modules
Change to a singular noun
module
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, women were more interested in attending evening
modules
Use synonyms
 compared to men .
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most amount of
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 in each
courses
Change to a singular noun
course
show examples
 were the oldest ones and the least
we're
Wrong verb form
we were
show examples
 the youngest.
To begin
Linking Words
 with , language accounted
most
Change preposition
for most
show examples
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
attendance
Use synonyms
 compared to other
modules
Use synonyms
 , which was 40% .
Whereas
Linking Words
,
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
attendance
Use synonyms
 ratio
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that section was two times lower than
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 (20%) . Meanwhile ,
painting
Add an article
the painting
show examples
 was the favourite course for most
men's
Change noun form
men
show examples
, and it accounted
25
Change preposition
for 25
show examples
%.
However
Linking Words
, for females , it was still higher than
males
Change preposition
for males
show examples
 , which was 30%.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
drama accounted 10%and 20%
Use synonyms
attendance
Change preposition
of attendance
show examples
rating
Fix the agreement mistake
ratings
show examples
 respectively.
By contrast
Linking Words
 , the least proportion joining rating for sculpture, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was 10% and 30% respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
oldest
Correct article usage
the oldest
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 were the most common candidate in every module and they constituted 45% of
participants
Correct article usage
the participants
show examples
. Meanwhile , 26% of
attendance
Use synonyms
 in each
courses
Change to a singular noun
course
show examples
 was from 40 to 49 aged grouped
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 11% and 16% of
attendance
Use synonyms
 come
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 adult groups .
However
Linking Words
 ,
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 candidate for each
Use synonyms
modules
Change to a singular noun
module
show examples
 was
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngsters , which was 5%.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, on the other hand, whereas, while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, modules, attendance with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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