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Band 4.5

The chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping the children with four activities in 2013

The chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping the children with four activities in 2013
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The bar chart demonstrated the proportion of
time
Use synonyms
 that Australian
parents
Use synonyms
 allocate
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 supporting their child in four different activities in 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, It can be obvious that the participation of mothers was more recognized than fathers in all survey lists.
While
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 spent the highest percentage on having joy with their
children
Use synonyms
, Australian fathers chose to assist them with their assignments. Looking at the chart for more detail,
time
Use synonyms
 spent by mothers helping their
children
Use synonyms
 choose clothes accounted for 75% and was the largest data,
while
Linking Words
 fathers only spent a small fraction (2%) on these activities.
Besides
Linking Words
, homework accounted for the largest proportion of
children
Use synonyms
 of the breadwinner, which was one in ten, compared to the man, the spending of the woman in the family used 60% of
Use synonyms
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
to explain
Change the verb form
explaining
show examples
 the homework to the
children
Use synonyms
. Both
parents
Use synonyms
 spent
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
half of their
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dressing,
whereas
Linking Words
 figures for homework were nearly 38%. From the rest of the chart, playing games and going to bed used the same data about 4% each. Meanwhile, having fun and preparing for sleep
witnessed
Add a missing verb
were witnessed
show examples
 at 25% and about 42%, respectively.
Finally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
's bedtime received 50% of the
time
Use synonyms
 support from their
parents
Use synonyms
, especially hitting the highest
time
Use synonyms
 both mothers and
father
Fix the agreement mistake
fathers
show examples
 together shared 70%
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 with their son and daughter.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, parents, children with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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