IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the global sales of different kinds digital games from 2000 to 2006

The chart below shows the global sales of different kinds digital games from 2000 to 2006
#sales #kinds #games
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart provides information about money from
sales
Use synonyms
 of 4 various
games
Use synonyms
 in $
bn
Use synonyms
 between 2000 to 2006. Looking from
Linking Words
overall
Correct article usage
an overall
show examples
 view, all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
games
Use synonyms
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
demanded
Change preposition
in demand
show examples
, but console
games
Use synonyms
.
Add a missing verb
are.
show examples
 Handheld
games
Use synonyms
 still
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 the highest number of
sales
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
, console
games
Use synonyms
 had
decrease
Change the verb form
decreased
show examples
almost
Change preposition
by almost
show examples
 50%
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the information
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
by 2000,
there
Rephrase
apply
show examples
online and mobile
phones
Change the noun form
phone
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 was not on sale,
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 console
games
Use synonyms
 got around 6 $
bn
Use synonyms
 and handheld
game
Use synonyms
 11$
bn
Use synonyms
. After which handled
games
Use synonyms
 and console
games
Use synonyms
 had some fluctuations. Handled having steadily
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 console had marginally fall in
sales
Use synonyms
 between 2000 to 2003.
This
Linking Words
 trend was followed by handled had
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 increase and
this
Linking Words
 amount was stable for
console
Add an article
the console
a console
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, they continued their trends
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 handheld hitting
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 highest number, having almost
18$
Correct your spelling
18bn
bn
Use synonyms
 at the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 time console
hitted
Correct your spelling
hit
show examples
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
low-point
Correct your spelling
low point
show examples
 (around 3$
bn
Use synonyms
)t and
being
Verb problem
became
show examples
 the less
demand
Replace the word
demanding
show examples
game
Use synonyms
 in 2006. Online
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 started
this
Linking Words
 way in 2001 having around 0,5 $
bn
Use synonyms
 , after
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 year mobile phone
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
also
Linking Words
 started
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
sale and showed the same amount as
online
Add an article
an online
show examples
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
, showing around 1$
bn
Use synonyms
 in 2002. In 2003
sales
Use synonyms
 of mobile phone
games
Use synonyms
 plummeted, being higher than online (3 $
bn
Use synonyms
 and 2.5$
bn
Use synonyms
). After in 2004 they had
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 amount around 4$
bn
Use synonyms
.
Alghout
Correct your spelling
Although
, there was
demand
Add an article
a demand
the demand
show examples
 for both
games
Use synonyms
 and
at the end
Linking Words
 of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
 they had
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 and finished the trend with mobile phones
games
Use synonyms
almost
Change preposition
at almost
show examples
 7$
bn
Use synonyms
 and online
games
Use synonyms
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 9$
bn
Use synonyms
Submitted by Abdu.abetayev on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, games, bn, game with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 6 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: