IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that violence on television and in comouter games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant affect on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #comouter #games #effect #society #factors #behaviour
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In today's world a lot of
vilonce
Correct your spelling
violence
 can be witnessed in
computer
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games
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 or on
television
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 some
people
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 argue that
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
virtual
violence
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 can have a damaging
effect
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
while
Linking Words
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 some believe that these factors
doesn't
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don't
show examples
 have any significant influence on
people
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's
behaviour
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. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that the
violence
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 on
television
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 and in
computer
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games
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 does
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effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
behaviour
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 of the
people
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 and
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effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society to some extent. I strongly believe that the surrounding and environment of a
person
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 influences his/
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behaviour
Correct pronoun usage
their behaviour
her behaviour
his behaviour
show examples
 as
people
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 tend to follow and believe in the things they witness ,
therefore
Linking Words
 continuously witnessing
violence
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thorugh
Correct your spelling
through
television
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 and
computer
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games
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 will influence a
person
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's
behaviour
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 as the
person
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seeing
Wrong verb form
sees
show examples
 violent content regularly will normalize
violence
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 in his life and would
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
that is
Linking Words
 completely fine to be violent. Numerous psychological studies have
also
Linking Words
 found that
people
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 tend to believe in the things they see virtually on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis ,one
such
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 instance was
also
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experinced
Correct your spelling
experienced
 by me as a teenager
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 liked to watch movies based on the life of gangsters ,
also
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i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 used to play a video game where my virtual character was a gangster and these movies and video
games
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 influenced my
behaviour
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alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 started to like how
these gangster
Change the determiner
this gangster
these gangsters
show examples
 used to live
whithout
Correct your spelling
without
 any fear so
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 agree that
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this things
Change the determiner
this thing
these things
show examples
 have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 adverse
effect
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 on a
person
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's
behaviour
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. I completely agree with the statement that watching
violence
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 virtually through
television
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 and in
computer
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games
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 does affect
people
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's
behaviour
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 and society as
people
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 believe what they and it is
also
Linking Words
 proved in many studies.
Submitted by shwetapanchal172 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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