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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)
The following graph illustrates the average
hours
Use synonyms
 of non-paid
work
Use synonyms
 done per
week
Use synonyms
 by married
women
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 and
men
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 in different
ategories
Correct your spelling
categories
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 childcare, housework and gardening. The graph shows classifications
such
Linking Words
 as, without
children
Use synonyms
, with one to two
children
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 and with more than three
children
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of
hours
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 done by married
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 is much lower compared to
women
Use synonyms
. The most amount of
hours
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spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 on
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 activities was done by married
women
Use synonyms
 with more than 3
children
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. They spend up to 60
hours
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 a
week
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 on
such
Linking Words
 activities. Meanwhile,
men
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 classification spend only 15
hours
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 per
week
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 which is the least
spend
Replace the word
spent
show examples
hours
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. Married
women
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 without
children
Use synonyms
work
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 30
hours
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 a
week
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when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
men
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 10
hour
Change to a plural noun
hours
show examples
 less(20
hours
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).
In addition
Linking Words
,
men
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 with one to two
children
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work
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 the same as
men
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withut
Correct your spelling
without
children
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile,
women
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work
Use synonyms
 almost 50
hours
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 per
week
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. We can see the difference in time
soend
Correct your spelling
spent
 by
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
.
Women
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work
Use synonyms
 more
hours
Use synonyms
 on unpaid activities, whilst
men
Use synonyms
 spend less time on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "such".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, work, week, women, men, children with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • demographics
  • household responsibilities
  • societal expectations
  • norms
  • childcare
  • housework
  • gardening
  • contributions
  • family structure
  • cultural implications
  • social implications
  • work-life balance
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