IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#job #salary #consideration
It is widely commonly argued that
people
 always need to choose the career which brings to them much
money
. Personally, I can neither completely agree nor disagree with
this
 statement for a variety of reasons. I partly agree that it is necessary to apply for business can bring much
money
 to humans. One of the main reasons can be that all employees or workers need more
money
 to look after their lives. If
people
 want a better future, they must have a lot of
money
.
For example
, a farmer finds it hard to survive, or he lives under pressure because he is maintaining the life of his family.
Moreover
, a country may have a high economy if its population creates more value. Each of member in nation contributes to the GDP of the nation.
On the other hand
, I disagree with the viewpoint that finding employment has a high salary.
Firstly
,
although
 employees are rich
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 do anything they want, they can reach the highest purpose in the world.
That is
 happiness.
For example
, a person can buy supercars
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and expensive apartments, but sometimes he is not satisfied with their life. The reason for his dissatisfaction is he is a staff in a company meanwhile his dream is to be a singer.
Secondly
, there are many jobs which help
people
 make more cash, but that business causes an impact on laws.
For instance
, Selling and buying weapons is banned in most countries. In fact,
people
 get more
money
 and they can sit in jail. In conclusion,
although
money
 is extremely important, I’m convinced that a high salary is not the most important consideration.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer in presenting the writer's stance on the issue, and the conclusion should more definitively summarize the key points and the writer's final position.
task achievement
Ensure a clear and consistent thesis statement is provided in the introduction, followed by topic sentences that directly relate to this thesis in every paragraph. The conclusion needs to restate the thesis and main points clearly.
coherence cohesion
To improve cohesion, transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be more natural and fluid. Aim to use a wider range of cohesive devices and phrases to better link ideas and arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from more effective paragraphing with clear topic sentences and concluding sentences that tie back to the overall argument. Incorporate varied structures and a broader range of vocabulary to enhance expression.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consideration
  • sole factor
  • financial stability
  • security
  • motivating factor
  • dissatisfaction
  • demotivation
  • job satisfaction
  • overall well-being
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • flexible working hours
  • vacations
  • career growth opportunities
  • skill development
  • advancement
  • determining factor
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