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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

the graph below shows the percentage of part _time workers in each country of the United Kingdom in 1980 and 2010.

the graph below shows the percentage of part _time workers in each country of the United Kingdom in 1980 and 2010.
#percentage #part #_time #workers #country #kingdom
The presented graph illustrates the
percentage
 of part_ time
workers
 in
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom in two different years. There has been a small
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
 in part _ time
workers
 from 1980 to 2010 in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. The graph
predict
Change the verb form
predicts
show examples
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
vertical
Add an article
a vertical
show examples
 line with unsimilar colour for each year.
Moreover
, Wales has nearly 35
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1980 but it has a little sour to above 35% in 2010.
Furthermore
, England’s part_ time
workers
 have 25% in 1980 but it has grown
more
Change preposition
to more
show examples
 than 5% in 2010 and turned into
31
Correct article usage
a 31
show examples
% proportion. As can be observed, Scotland has a similar pattern in 2010.
Moreover
, it has about
5
Correct article usage
a 5
show examples
% rise in that year.
Besides
, Northern Ireland had more
percentage
 in 1980 (a bit over 15%) which means that in 2010 it plummets slightly to less than 15 ratio. These 4 countries have made
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same pattern except Northern Ireland where it has
decrease
Change the verb form
decreased
show examples
 in
percentage
. So, the ratio of part _time
workers
 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 1980 and 2010.
Submitted by javadsaady1992 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, workers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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