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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowaways, more teenagers want to become famous actors or singers. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

As
ones
Fix the agreement mistake
one
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realize
Verb problem
realises
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, many young people would like to become famous actors or singers these days.
Use synonyms
one
Fix capitalization
One
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 might have different arguments, but I believe
this
Linking Words
 is happening because teenagers are able to see how famous actors or singers live by watching social media, and parents allow their
children
Use synonyms
 to have occupations. I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a positive development.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, most
children
Use synonyms
 know how to use a computer and phone these days. They have access to the internet, which means they can follow famous actors or singers on Instagram, Facebook, or even
Youtube
Use the right word
YouTube
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Channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
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. By watching famous people’s lifestyles, they would like to be like them
one
Use synonyms
 day since their
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 fantastic.
One
Use synonyms
 day,
for example
Linking Words
, my son watched BTS’s
Youtube
Use the right word
YouTube
show examples
 channel and told me he would like to be a famous singer. I asked why, and he said it was because he could deliver the messages to the world by doing what he likes.
Second,
Linking Words
it is unlike in the past,
children
Use synonyms
 can choose their jobs
whatever
Punctuation problem
, whatever
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 they want to be. Interestingly, Korean society or family has forced their
children
Use synonyms
 to follow their
parent’s
Check wording
parents’
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 desire for their jobs.
However
Linking Words
, the survey from
Korean
Correct article usage
the Korean
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 Family Department shows that
children
Use synonyms
 have more freedom to choose
for
Change preposition
apply
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their future than in the past. The reason these days
children
Use synonyms
 could get more freedom is that both parents need to work for a living, so they do not have time to raise and take care of their
children
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, the parents do not have family time with their sons and daughters. It leads
children
Use synonyms
 to decide their future themselves.
One
Use synonyms
 might already realize that
children
Use synonyms
 can start developing independence. In conclusion, because of the internet, and parents’ hectic life, there is a possibility that
children
Use synonyms
 can be famous for entertainment. It will be a good opportunity for
children
Use synonyms
 to become a better person who does good things by doing what
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
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wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to, and to practice their independence since they are the
one
Use synonyms
 who decides their future.

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Development
Give more real reasons for why teens want fame and how media can push this idea. add more facts or small proof.
Structure
Make ideas fit in a clear order: say the idea, give a reason, add an example, then end with a link to the next idea.
Language
Fix grammar and use simple sentence forms. Use glue words like and, but, because to join ideas.
Content
Show both good and bad sides. A more balanced view makes the task easier to judge.
Structure
Close with a short line that matches the task. Keep the tone formal.
Content
The main idea is clear: teens may want fame because they see this on media.
Structure
Two bodies are shown and a sense of end comes with the conclusion.
Examples
A real life example helps to show the point.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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