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Band 5.5

More and more people in the city live in homes with small spaces or no outdoor areas. Do you think it is negative or positive development?

#people #city #homes #spaces #areas #development
Nowadays, the population is increasing
day
 by
day
 and more and more landmark buildings are erected so many people have to live in houses without outdoors. In
this
 trend, it has both negative and positive impacts. In my opinion, I completely agree that
this
 brings many disadvantages that I mention in
this
 essay. First of all, living in a home with a small space affects our physical development.
In other words
,
children
 have no place to play and entertain themselves
while
 their parents do not have time to take care of them.
As a result
, they spend much time playing TV and playing games
instead
 of physical activities.
Moreover
, adults have to work all
day
 but they lack space to exercise.
Therefore
, their health is not good.
For example
, research by the Health Organization of Vietnam, in 2021 shows that 65% of
children
 and 80% of adults suffer from obesity
due to
 inactivity. Moving on to the next point, living in a small house may be enough to breathe, which leads to having an adverse impact on people’s
mood
Fix the agreement mistake
moods
show examples
. It means that
children
 without a place to play will not be active and happy, they easily get angry.
In addition
, after a
hard-working
Correct your spelling
hard working
show examples
day
, adults may feel uncomfortable, because of no outdoor spaces for relaxation or entertainment. The result is poor emotions and
children
 not being well-rounded. In conclusion, people who live in small spaces or without outdoors
such
 as apartment, and buildings has many drawbacks growth. They may be influenced both physically and mentally.
Submitted by lamminhkhoi2312 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has some relevant points, but it lacks clear development of ideas and coherence between them. Work on connecting ideas and providing a clear structure for your essay.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task, but it lacks depth and development. Provide a more comprehensive analysis and explore different perspectives on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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