IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in the natural environment. Why is that? How do we encourage them to go out?

#people #holidays #weekends #activities #environment
Teenagers tend to spend their days off indoors, which is a concerning phenomenon, and some countermeasures are worth providing. It is obvious that as society is
being changed
Wrong verb form
changing
show examples
 rapidly, a cascade of impact has been found on those teenagers' living styles. On the one hand,
due to
 the vast application of electronic devices and social media platforms, those young people build their social web online, and develop
such
 friendships via phones or computers,
thus
 making outdoor activities no longer necessary for maintaining and strengthening those relationships and social connections.
On the other hand
,
teens
 are facing more pressure
due to
 the poor economic situation and booming population,
thus
 they have to work harder for their future
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and spend most of their spare days indoors
instead
 of moving to the natural environment, as it is time-consuming.
As a result
, their physical conditions are not as good as people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same age decades ago, making
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 even more difficult to have fun outdoors. Since the problem is becoming an elephant in the room, and it occurs in most of those
teens
, it is worthwhile to take countermeasures and bite the bullet. Some possible solutions can be applied in changing the policy and developing new apps that encourage them to move out, complete tasks and challenge their friends. The policy change reduces the peer pressure and the heavy burden those
teens
 are facing, and they can spend more time on those time-consuming outdoor activities. As for those new apps, former examples
such
 as
pokemon go
Correct your spelling
Pokemon Go
show examples
 have shown great success in increasing
teens
' outdoor times, and there are no technical problems in-situ adding
such
 functions in apps. In conclusion,
teens
 tend to spend their days off indoors, mainly
due to
 the lack of time and lack of motivation, and
this
 phenomenon needs united efforts from both app developers and the government.
Submitted by zhaogen448 on

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Task Response
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing why teenagers spend their days off indoors and suggests countermeasures to encourage them to go outdoors. It is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion by maintaining a logical structure with clear topic sentences in each paragraph. The use of transitions helps to link ideas smoothly throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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