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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child’s #health
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children
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 have excessively watched
TV
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 and played
video
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games
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 as a kind of entertainment. It's no doubt that using advanced technology brings us tremendous advantages.
However
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,
this
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 trend causes several drawbacks and mental problems. In the following, I will deliberate more examples of the negative side of watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 heavily.
First,
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one of the disadvantages of playing
video
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games
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 too much is can lead to mental issues
such
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 as addiction.
Children
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 may develop a preference for using
games
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 rather than engaging in social activities
such
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 as meeting peers
,
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apply
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 and spending good time with their families.
Hence
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,
this
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 behaviour will deteriorate their communication
as well as
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 social skills. Many studies showed that
children
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 who spend more time on
TV
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 actually are more predisposed to be more isolated. To tackle
this
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 issue, parents should put strict rules to regulate the usage of
TV
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 during the week. I think parents should make sure that
children
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 make a good balance between online actions and offline actions.
Secondly
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, the other disadvantage of using offline exercises more than physical exercises is would increase the percentage of overweight
children
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. Some studies present that
children
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 who spend much time on their phones are more likely to be overweight. In fact, doing sports exercises has a great influence on the
children
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's health. Doing sports activities not only consumes more calories but
also
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 reduces stress
furthermore
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learn
Verb problem
it teaches
show examples
children
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 to be more committed and patient.
To sum up
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, there are several health drawbacks of playing
video
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games
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such
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 as addiction and being overweight.
Hence
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, I totally agree that
this
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 would cause several problems.
Submitted by fmalquran112 on

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task response
The essay provides relevant examples and explanations, but the response should fully address the task question by presenting a balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the logical structure of the essay could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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