The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
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The bar chart indicates a survey
on
Change preposition
of
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two different
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
on the
factors
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contributing to
make
Wrong verb form
making
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their environment pleasant for working. These
factors
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are divided into external and internal
factors
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. The internal
factors
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are team spirit,
competent
Correct article usage
a competent
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boss, respect from colleagues and
job
Use synonyms
satisfaction. The external
factors
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are chance for personal development,
job
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security, promotional prospects and money. On the internal
factors
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above 50% in both
age
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groups
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agreed that team spirit, competent boss and
job
Use synonyms
satisfaction are essential to make their environment pleasant.
Whereas
Linking Words
on the external
factors
Use synonyms
, there are contrasting results. On the chance for personal development and promotional aspects, 80% to 90% of the younger
groups
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were in
favor
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favour
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while
Linking Words
only less than 50% of the older group thought so. A similar pattern is
also
Linking Words
noted
on
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in
show examples
job
Use synonyms
security. With regards to money, 69% to 70%
on
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of
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both
age
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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said it is essential. In conclusion, the internal
factors
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have similar responses from the two
age
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groups
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while
Linking Words
they had dissimilar responses on the external
factors
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by odod_aja on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, factors, job with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • survey
  • personnel department
  • major company
  • age group
  • work performance
  • factors
  • comparison
  • analysis
  • common
  • significant
  • differences
  • important
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