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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
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The bar chart indicates a survey
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 two different
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 on the
factors
Use synonyms
 contributing to
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 their environment pleasant for working. These
factors
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 are divided into external and internal
factors
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. The internal
factors
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 are team spirit,
competent
Correct article usage
a competent
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 boss, respect from colleagues and
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction. The external
factors
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 are chance for personal development,
job
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 security, promotional prospects and money. On the internal
factors
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 above 50% in both
age
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groups
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 agreed that team spirit, competent boss and
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction are essential to make their environment pleasant.
Whereas
Linking Words
 on the external
factors
Use synonyms
, there are contrasting results. On the chance for personal development and promotional aspects, 80% to 90% of the younger
groups
Use synonyms
 were in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
while
Linking Words
 only less than 50% of the older group thought so. A similar pattern is
also
Linking Words
 noted
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 security. With regards to money, 69% to 70%
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both
age
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 said it is essential. In conclusion, the internal
factors
Use synonyms
 have similar responses from the two
age
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groups
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 they had dissimilar responses on the external
factors
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, factors, job with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • survey
  • personnel department
  • major company
  • age group
  • work performance
  • factors
  • comparison
  • analysis
  • common
  • significant
  • differences
  • important
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