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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#percentage #staff #members #faculties #university #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of academic employees based on gender in the university in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
 men worked in the
faculties
Use synonyms
 of engineering, business, law, and science,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite became the majority in the arts and
medicine
Use synonyms
, and
Use synonyms
medicine
Correct article usage
the medicine
show examples
departement
Correct your spelling
department
 had a roughly similar number.
To begin
Linking Words
, male
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 in the engineering
faculties
Use synonyms
 stood at above four-fifths, which
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 the highest of the other
faculties
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 female members were just below 20 per cent.
Similarly
Linking Words
, there were more men employees in the three
faculties
Use synonyms
 (business, law, and science) than women in
this
Linking Words
 period, in which they were approximately 60%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who worked as
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 in the arts and
medicine
Use synonyms
 had
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
significicant
Correct your spelling
significant
 number than
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
,
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for 58% and 72% respectively. Meanwhile, employees in the
medicine
Use synonyms
 subjects
did not have no
Rewrite the sentence
did not have any
had no
show examples
 many differences in number based on gender, which men staffs were higher slightly than women.
Submitted by dimasfajarairlangga on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words faculties, medicine with synonyms.
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