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Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below shows the average Australian water consumption in selected cities for las year. The pie chart shows the distribution of Australian water consumption for last year

The bar chart below shows the average Australian water consumption in selected cities for las year. The pie chart shows the distribution of Australian water consumption for last year
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The bar chart illustrates the average
water
Use synonyms
 used in 6 different cities (Sydney,
Perth
Use synonyms
, Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne and Canberra )in Australia in 2014 ,
whereas
Linking Words
 the pie chart depicts the distribution of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in many sectors of life in that period. In general,
Perth
Use synonyms
 was the largest
water
Use synonyms
 use each year
while
Linking Words
 Canberra was the lowest.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in terms of the distribution of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption, agriculture was the most popular
sector
Use synonyms
 using
water
Use synonyms
 in those cities
while
Linking Words
 mining was the smallest. turning to the details
it is clear that
Linking Words
 an average of 300-kilo litre of
water
Use synonyms
 was consumed in
Perth
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
 followed by Brisbane, Adelaide, and Sydney at 250, 230 and 200-kilo litre per year respectively. Canberra just only consumed twice as much as
Perth
Use synonyms
 at about 140-kilo litre. Meanwhile, 67 % of
water
Use synonyms
 was used for the agriculture
sector
Use synonyms
 in Australia. Electricity & gas and
water
Use synonyms
 supply, sewage and drainage supply were as same as one another at 7 % in
water
Use synonyms
 consumption. households were the second
sector
Use synonyms
 using
water
Use synonyms
 at that time at 9 % which is twice as larger as manufacturing and other industries just only 4 %. Mining was the least
sector
Use synonyms
 that consuming
water
Use synonyms
 just 2 % in those cities.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, perth, sector with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average consumption
  • variation
  • sector
  • distribution
  • residential use
  • agricultural use
  • industrial use
  • water conservation
  • sustainability
  • resource management
  • urban areas
  • climate impact
  • water usage policy
  • per capita consumption
  • infrastructure
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