IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the expenditure on three categories among different age groups of residents in the UK in 2004.

The chart below shows the expenditure on three categories among different age groups of residents in the UK in 2004.
#expenditure #three #categories #age #groups #residents #uk
The provided bar chart gives information about how much money was spent
three
Change preposition
in three
show examples
 main categories from different
age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of residents in the UK in 2004. It is clear
see
Fix the infinitive
to see
show examples
 that
people
 spending money on food and drink has risen gradually.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
people
 group more than 75 consumed the most in food and drink
while
people
 under 30 consumed in restaurant and hotel.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
people
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 61 to 75
years
 old raged the highest on entertainment. Getting back to the details citizens
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 consumed
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
food and drink had an upward trend of approximately 7% for those under 30
years
 old and
age
 more than 75
years
 was around 23%.
on the other hand
Correct article usage
the presentage
show examples
presentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 and
hotel
Fix the agreement mistake
hotels
show examples
 fluctuated wildly. The highest proportion nearly 14% was under 30
years
 old
while
 the lowest was roughly 2%
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
aged 61 to 75
years
.
Age
 31 to 45 and 46 to 60 had
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 figure of roughly 13%.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
people
 spending the
highest
Correct word choice
most
show examples
 money
Change preposition
on
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 entertainment
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 61 to 75
years
 old reached the peak at approximately 23%, under 30 rated the lowest at 7%.
Age
 from 46 to 60 and more than 75 was the almost same roughly 14%.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, people, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: