In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In various nations, young people are becoming obese and lacking a healthy diet. I completely disagree with the idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
the authorities should have the
responsibility
Use synonyms
for
this
Linking Words
situation
due to
Linking Words
two main reasons. One reason supporting my belief is that having a healthy lifestyle is the
responsibility
Use synonyms
of each individual. Children should
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
that they are overweight and unhealthy.
For instance
Linking Words
, young people,
instead
Linking Words
of going to restaurants and consuming canned or processed foods,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can cook for themselves.
As a result
Linking Words
, they should lead a physically active lifestyle and plan a diet containing macronutrients.
In addition
Linking Words
, primary guardians
such
Linking Words
as moms and dads should be disciplined in their positive routines. When a kid is thoroughly educated by their guardians, as they
aged
Wrong verb form
age
show examples
, a sense of
responsibility
Use synonyms
will be built. In detail, parents who join a yoga session every day tend to guide their offspring to a similar habit. In conclusion, I give my
strong
Replace the word
strongly
show examples
opposition to the statement
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
the government should have the
responsibility
Use synonyms
to solve ailments associated with obesity and unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
because
this
Linking Words
duty belongs to each individual and their parents.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
tendency should be reconsidered.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
State your view clearly in the intro and keep it in every paragraph. Right now your view is clear, but it can be stronger with a firm line.
development
Add more detail to each reason. Explain how an idea works and give 1-2 clear examples.
coherence
Mention the other side briefly and say why you do not agree. This helps show you think hard about the issue.
language
Use simple and exact words. Some phrases are hard or odd. For example, 'thoroughly educated' could be 'well taught' and 'disciplined' could be 'set rules.'
structure
Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that shows the main idea.
grammar
Check grammar and punctuation. Fix run-on sentences and use the correct articles and prepositions.
content
Clear view against government role and two reasons.
structure
Clear order: intro, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: