IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

#people #hobby #trend
Nowadays, more and more people from all social categories start to enjoy shopping and to consider it a relaxing activity . I strongly agree that regarding it as a hobby is a positive trend. I am going to explain the reasons in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, shopping can improve people's mental health. When individuals are sad and they don't feel like going outside , just thinking about their favourite store can boost their serotonin level, which is the hormone for happiness.
Furthermore
, looking at a new collection from a famous clothes shop , which was thought to attract individuals' attention, and imagining themselves wearing them increases their confidence by more than 50 per cent.
For example
 , a little girl
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 had a bad day at school can instantly shift her mood if her mother takes her to the mall and
buy
Correct subject-verb agreement
buys
show examples
 her a new dress.
Moreover
 , the hobby of buying stuff may improve young's relationships with their family. Some fathers take their sons to the toy store in order to grow a stronger connection, without their child realising it. So, for some children, the action of buying has become a passion that motivates them to learn better.
For instance
, if his parents promise to take their kid to the Toycars store if he gets a good grade, he will study 10 times more for that exam.
In other words
 , shopping has become a rewarding action for some human beings. In conclusion, I think that shopping is a beneficial activity for individuals, boosting happiness, increasing their confidence ,
as well as
 building up strong family connexions.
Submitted by zaineajessica on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, but the response is not fully developed and lacks depth. Ensure to explore the topic in more depth and consider both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a coherent structure and the introduction and conclusion are not fully developed. Ensure to organize your ideas logically with clear introductions and conclusions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: