IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The way the new generations are being raised is different from the 70s and 80s. I believe
this
Linking Words
 is the reason for the high number of crimes among underage children.
Thus
Linking Words
, psychologists believe that they lack social and emotional learning. I strongly agree and I will discuss my reasons below.
Firstly
Linking Words
, parents are now very busy pursuing their careers having little or no time to engage their offspring.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Africa most especially in Lagos, Nigeria, they leave home for work as early as 5 am to avoid traffic and return only from 8 pm, thereby leaving their nannies to look after their upspring.
Although
Linking Words
 they may have a close family around to assist with the needs of the children it is never enough because they can not fulfill the emotional support required. If these emotional needs are not met they begin to seek it from somewhere else thereby joining bad gangs.
Secondly
Linking Words
, teenagers are exposed to all forms of gadgets as early as 2 years, most homes have computers that are easily accessible.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these teenagers play games that involve all sorts of violence
as a result
Linking Words
, there is a high rise of children expressing themselves through these games that were played or watched. A good example is in the Western World,
weapons
Rephrase
where weapons
show examples
 are easily available, and they have a
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 record of
shooting
Replace the word
shootings
show examples
 in schools than they have ever recorded over the years. Sadly
this
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 on the rise. In Conclusion, I agree that teenagers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are been raised in the current generation lack social and emotional intelligence. They are not interacting like they should and are not given the right attention. Unfortunately, they are now more
gadget driven
Add a hyphen
gadget-driven
show examples
. Families need to be more intentional about their little ones.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph contains a clear topic sentence and supporting details that directly relate to the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more clearly outlined to provide an effective framework for the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the key points to provide more comprehensive development of ideas. Ensure that examples directly relate to the main argument and support the points being made.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aggression
  • Conflict resolution
  • Empathy
  • Parental guidance
  • Socio-economic factors
  • Media influence
  • Peer pressure
  • Social acceptance
  • Violent crime
  • Youngsters
  • Anti-social behavior
  • Socialization
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Psychological development
  • Crime prevention strategies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: