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Writing Samples
Band 4

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweigh
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Nowadays, the personal
information
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 of many
people
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 is held by large
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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. In my opinion, the merits of
saved
Wrong verb form
saving
show examples
 the personal
information
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 of individuals by large
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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 outweigh the demerits. On the one hand, there are several drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend.
Firtsly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
,
saved
Wrong verb form
saving
show examples
 the personal
information
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 of
people
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 by large
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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 makes
people
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more vulnerable to cybercrime. To illustrate, some
companies
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 and
organisations
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 share the personal
information
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 of
people
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 many websites , which
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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makes
easier
Correct pronoun usage
it easier
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 for hackers to
steel
Correct your spelling
steal
show examples
these
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
information
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 and use it against
people
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 to
steel
Correct your spelling
steal
show examples
 their money.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
saved
Wrong verb form
saving
show examples
 the personal
information
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 of
people
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 by
companies
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 and
organisations
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 can break the privacy of
people
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.
For example
Linking Words
, some
companies
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 use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
photos of
people
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 in order to make ads for their goods without approval from
people
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.
On the other hand
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, I would like to argue that the benefits of
held
Change the form of the verb
holding
show examples
 the personal
information
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 of individuals by large
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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significantly
Add a missing verb
are significantly
show examples
 more than the downsides. The first benefit,
people
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 can save a
consderiable
Correct your spelling
considerable
 amount of money
through share
Change preposition
by sharing
show examples
 their personal
information
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 with
Use synonyms
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
companies
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 and
organisations
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 . To illustrate,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
online commercial
companies
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 can tell
people
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 if the any discount on their products namely, electronic
deveice
Correct your spelling
device
devices
, food,
drinks
Correct word choice
and drinks
show examples
 via
contanct
Correct your spelling
contact
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 email
,
Correct word choice
and, number
show examples
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of phone of
people
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. The second advantage, the sharing personal
information
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 of
people
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 with
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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 can help
people
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 to find
a better jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a better job
better jobs
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, some online
companies
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scuh
Correct your spelling
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Linkedin share
the
Change the word
their
show examples
CV
Fix the agreement mistake
CVs
show examples
 around the world in order to help
people
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to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
find
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
job opportunities
show examples
.
To sum up
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, In my perspective, the upsides of
Wrong verb form
saving
show examples
saved
Wrong verb form
saving
show examples
 the personal
information
Use synonyms
 of
people
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 by large
internet
Use synonyms
companies
Use synonyms
 and
organisations
Use synonyms
 outweigh the downsides, because it helps
people
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 to save money
as well as
Linking Words
 help them to find
jobs opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
job opportunities
show examples
.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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