IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people have to find work abroad, they have to leave their homes as well as friends. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #work #homes #friends
It is a fact of modern life that a group of
people
 leave their beloved ones behind and move to foreign countries for occupational purposes.
While
 I acknowledge that the obligation of pursuing their careers in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 different country and becoming constantly far away from their homes has possible disadvantages in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, I tend to believe that it is more likely to have
beneficial
Add an article
a beneficial
show examples
 impact. On the one hand, there exist several adverse sides of staying isolated from the family owing to potential job opportunities. A number of
people
whoever
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 travel to foreign countries in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
search of jobs could easily face culture shock at the new destination. The exposure to diverse traditions, cuisines,
Correct word choice
and language
show examples
language
Fix the agreement mistake
languages
show examples
 during the earlier stage of their journey, which is extremely tough to immediately adapt, can intensify the feeling of
homesick
Replace the word
homesickness
show examples
 to a great extent. To illustrate,
according to
 the conducted report based on the statistics of migration in the USA, approximately a quarter of newcomers return to their home countries as they couldn’t endure the hardship encountered in terms of unfamiliar culture in the new environment.
Furthermore
, the immigrants may experience
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
discrimination
due to
 their nationality from local inhabitants which can result in severe psychological
disorder
Fix the agreement mistake
disorders
show examples
.
Thus
,
people
 can suffer from culture shock and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
discrimination in the new location.
However
, I would argue that possible drawbacks are outweighed by benefits.
People
 moving abroad can be financially fulfilled which may enable them to overcome other difficulties. Their new jobs in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remote areas can offer quite reasonable
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 to satisfy their basic desired needs and maintain their lives at the expense of all around them.
For instance
, the survey among the incoming workforce in Israel revealed that the majority of respondents find monetary achievement more significant than the emotional
achievements
Fix the agreement mistake
achievement
show examples
. It could be explained by the fact that
people
 living abroad can get
insight
Add an article
an insight
the insight
show examples
of
Change preposition
into
show examples
 diverse cultural values and have an opportunity to try new things. By being exposed to unfamiliar experiences in the new destination, they are going to broaden their horizons
further
 and improve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 outlook on life broaden their horizons
further
.
Submitted by mr.mehdiyevkamran on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: